Slimy Chicken Zomnibus by Kevin J. Anderson

Author:Kevin J. Anderson [Anderson, Kevin J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781614759744
Publisher: WordFire Press

As a zombie, I don’t tend to get creeped out easily—but those things were ugly: each had a slumped, rounded head boiling with tentacles, some of which sported bloodshot eyeballs on the tips, and a large, glowing cyclopean eye stared from the center of the gray-green forehead. Their mouths were jagged gashes that drooled a smoking yellowish mucus. Perky red bows tied onto a head tentacle indicated that one of the creatures might be female.

Even as the otherworldly effluent continued to flow from the cosmic gate, the two gigantic figures shuffled through the threshold. They moved with painstaking slowness that implied unspeakable age, or perhaps arthritis. These must truly be Senior Citizen Gods.

Barely able to keep his feet, Ah’Chulhu looked up in amazement. With a quavering voice and an uncertain smile, he said, “Mom? Dad?” Mustering his courage, he spread his arms and yelled out to the cowering minions in the chamber, “Behold, the titanic gods—Ma’Chulhu and Pa’Chulhu!”

The male Senior Citizen God bellowed back at him, “I am not your father!”

The female put a slimy, rubbery flipper against her husband’s side. “Now, dear, we discussed this in therapy. You have to move on and be more accepting, for the sake of our marriage.”

“Look at him, though,” burbled the male. “He’s something of a disappointment.”

Ma’Chulhu scolded him again, “He’s my son, dear.” The gigantic female Senior Citizen God pushed her way through the cosmic gateway, as effluent continued to surge into our universe, although the huge forms blocked most of it.

The smell was dizzying. McGoo looked as if he might vomit (which, in my estimation, would only have sweetened the aroma). Thunder Dick squirmed to get free from where we had piled on top of him, although I was doing him a favor by not letting him see the hideous things.

Ma’Chulhu leaned forward. “What’s wrong with your face, baby boy? And you’ve got a stain on your suit.”

Ah’Chulhu made an embarrassed gesture, and his detached facial tentacles came swarming back to him. As they attached themselves, he brushed at the inky smear from the supervillain’s tar glob. “It’ll come off.”

“No, it won’t,” yelled Dr. Darkness!!!, still trying to scramble to his feet. His impressive black cape now looked wilted and limp.

The two Senior Citizen Gods ignored the pint-sized supervillain and peered out at the cowering crowds. “We were surprised when you summoned us, boy,” Pa’Chulhu said. “What have you been doing in this place? Causing trouble, I expect. And what’s with that ridiculous accent?”

Ah’Chulhu gathered his pride. “I’ve made something of myself, even though the odds were stacked against me.” He raised his squirming chin. “I’m an important bloke here. I even have minions, lots of them—and I really, really, really wanted you to see my big plan for converting the entire world, a bonzer ambitious project as a real-estate developer to open up new property, flooding the entire Unnatural Quarter to create vast acres of new sewer-front property.” Nervous, he talked so fast that his Australian accent garbled some of his words, and then his voice hitched.

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